Don't show the children ...

Eek ... send a ransom! Santa has been kidnapped by terrorists!
No, actually this photograph, courtesy of NZ tweep @gnat, is of Auckland's famous Whitcoulls Santa about to be unveiled in the CBD.
Since the 1960s the iconic Santa has looked down benignly on Aucklanders as they dodge homeless people, bodily fluids, and fight each other for Christmas bargains in the lead-up to Christmas.
Last year, there was a huge controversy, because some Bah Humbug/politically correct types thought Santa looked seedy, with a finger beckoning creepily to children, and a rusty eye winking sleazily at them. Seriously, even the P. word was used.
In fact, there was a debate as to whether old Santa should be retired, but public opinion weighed in heavily, and it was decided Santa should undergo what all Good Santas Of A Certain Age Do, and have a makeover. (In fact, there's even a Fan Page on Facebook now for NZ's infamous Creepy Santa).
Off he was whisked to a secret location, where, with the magic of cosmetic surgery, he was rebuilt into a younger, buffer version of his original self. (Really. Is nothing sacred?)
Anyway, this year he is back, younger and better than ever before ... but not before the children of Auckland were forever traumatised by the sight of their beloved Santa trussed up and his face covered in bandages!
Even better, the usual Kiwi Ingenuity has shone through, with one of the people who have done some of the cosmetic work now auctioning up Santa's rusty eye on trademe. Check it out - www.trademe.co.nz under antiques and collectables, then click on Maori and New Zealand. At the time of blogging it was going for $NZ102.
Wonder who will be getting a lump of coal in their stocking this year?

Karma anyone?

New Zealanders can be funny buggers.
One of my favourite things is trawling through www.trademe.co.nz - kind of like a Kiwi version of ebay, but more human.
Regular readers will remember my delight in seeing kiwi-shaped feijoas and penis-shaped oranges for sale - and actually being sold too!
Which sparked a frenzied, but short-lived obsession for fruit and vegie fondling, as I tried vainly to find my own money-making unusual-shaped produce.
Anyway, this week, an enterprizing Kiwi dude is selling ... karma. And not just any karma, but Good Karma! (You can never have too much Good Karma).
The owner claims he's been secretly storing up karma over the past two years by doing good deeds. Things like paying for lunch with friends (sometimes even with his own credit card), and helping old ladies across the road (whether they want to go or not!)
Anyway, this extremely virtuous citizen has so much Good Karma, he has no need for the excess and is offering it to cashed-up peeps in need. The starting bid is NZ$20. Go here to check it out.
The Good Karma comes with an original letter of authenticity.
You've got to love Kiwi Ingenuitity!

Camping out and Men Kumera. Oh my!

So, the Little Dude has his first school camp next week, and he is super-excited.

His bag has been packed, and he's been sleeping in his new NZ-standard sleeping bag for weeks.

It's not without a little trepiditation that I will wave my first-born off to camp. There's his life-threatening tree nut allergy to worry about - but the teachers are all aware of that, and he'll have his epipen of course.

Then there are the physical activities - the kids get to do really challenging things, like abseiling, target practice (with air rifles) and archery. There are climbing walls, a flying fox, kayaking, and something called 'the scream machine', where they fly around the gym hanging onto the end of a rope. Then there's the Burma Trail, a walking track across wobbly bridges and via swinging logs which they do by night, or blindfolded during the day! Husband and I have visions of him coming home with broken bones and bruises!

On the plus side, C. will enjoy toasting marshmallows over camp fires, late night milo, and singalongs. Best of all, (says C), is the fact that it's not lights-out until 9.30 pm! (Usually it's 7.30 pm at home).

In other news, in my never-ending quest to find interesting-shaped fruit, I have at last succeeded in finding Men Kumera!

Yes, in the fashion of the Man Orange, I was stunned to find not one, but two racily-shaped kumera in the vegie aisle.

Luckily, I rushed home to breathlessly photograph them, because the next night Husband ruthlessly roasted one of them to have with dinner. (Very nice it was too, with roast beef, potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, peas, corn and gravy.)

What shall I do with the remaining one? Put it on trademe and wait for the millions to roll in?

A little bit fruity

What is it about Kiwis and their penchant for rude-shaped fruit, vegies and stones?
Hot on the heels of the penis stone and genital-shaped grapefruit, the latest ‘What The?’ item for sale on TradeMe is this delightfully-shaped Man Orange.
I don’t know about you, but whenever I go shopping, the fruit and vegies are always disappointingly normal. Maybe I’m just shopping in the wrong place?
Never mind, at least the selection of produce available here is always interesting.
The other day, we tried some Apricot Delight Yams. You can also buy Red Yams, and Mellow Yellow yams. I had to look up the Halfords website to find out how to cook them, and roasted them with honey and garlic. Next time, I’d leave out the honey, as they were quite sweet already. They’re crunchy and light, kind of like a savoury apple I guess. Would do well with other vegies as part of a Sunday Roast.
In other news, a neighbourhood cat has taken to visiting us. Since we can’t have pets of our own here, we’re quite okay with it. She walks past, meows, and if we open the door she comes inside and makes herself at home.
Sometimes she’ll stay for a sleep on H’s bed – much to her delight!
She’s never hungry and thirsty so is obviously well cared for – or maybe she has a host of families in the complex that she drops in on.

We don't mind. In the abscence of our own pet, we're quite happy to share!
Kitty visitor makes herself at home or H's bed
And our lounge

Roast yams

This is what they look like when they are raw

Sightseeing and shopping in the Near-Nicky-Nude

We’ve enjoyed a busy few days since our friends from Brisbane arrived in Auckland for a holiday.
So far, they’ve taken in Devonport, Matakana, Otara markets (unfortunately pretty empty due to the weather), Goat Island Marine Reserve, Leigh, Omaha, and Pakiri Beach.
As usual, a key part of our sightseeing has involved sampling Kiwi Cuisine.
And so, the highlight of our trip to Devonport, was lunch at Manuka, a lovely restaurant in the main street. The service was faultless and the food was divine.
And on our trip to the coast, we had a fantastic lunch at the fish and chips shop at Leigh. The food was fresh and delicious, and even the kids devoured every scrap. And the service was friendly and efficient.
Unfortunately, both adult boys came down with a crashing case of Man Flu, so our sightseeing was curtailed a little, as we gave them time to rest and recover.
On Saturday afternoon, while our visitors were admiring the views from the Sky Tower, the kids and I went to the park and did some shopping to give K. some peace.
Imagine our surprise when we popped into New World to pick up some grocery essentials like, erm, ice-cream, when we saw several people parading around in the Near-Nicky-Nude!
To help publicise the NZBodyArt awards, a couple of leading body artists had painted ‘clothes’ on the near-naked bodies of several female and mail models. C’s eyes were like saucers. Near-nudity in the shopping aisles? This would never happen at home!
My camera has died – that will happen when you drop it umpteen times – so you’ll have to wait for photos. (Husband is going to help me put the photos into another camera and upload from there. Because I am technologically-challenged.)
But in the meantime, I’ll leave you with the latest funny item to sell on trademe (NZ’s answer to ebay): a penis-shaped stone. Perhaps it’s a gift for the person who has everything?

For the mother who has everything

It seems I blogged too soon about the delights of Trademe. Just in time for Mother's Day, comes this item ...

It's a penis-and-testicle-shaped grapefruit!

(Yes, I never imagined typing that sentence).

Even funnier, is the fact that someone actually bought it for NZA$11.50.

And people say Aussies are weird ...

This post's a bit fruity ...

Kiwis are a quirky lot.


TradeMe is the NZ version of ebay. So far, we've bought a second-hand buggy for the Little Princess, a new bed, and a few other bits and pieces off TradeMe.


But here's something for the person who has everything - a Kiwi-shaped Feijoa!

Here's the sale pitch:

"The ultimate in traditional, natural and non-manufactured KIWIANA! This exceptional and unusual wee feijoa is perfection personified shaped as our own dear little KIWI icon. The adorable little "bird" fell from it's tree in our own back garden on Saturday 25th April - ANZAC Day. The most bizarre, natural phenomenon I've seen personally, especially since all the other feijoas off our tree have been large and regular shaped. But it quick and preserve it for posterity."

And best of all? At the time of blogging, it was going for NZ$12.50. A steal!



Or, the perfect gift for Mother's Day, apparently, is a lovely gift-wrapped box of Weta poo!

The seller trills: "Here are only a FEW reasons YOU should buy this item:

-Perfect gift for Mother's Day! (I bet Mum hasn't got one of these!)

-Totally original! (You don't see Paris Hilton carrying one of these in her bag!)

-Great little treat for miniature plants such as Bonsei Trees (little poo for little plant)

-A rarity! (When was the last time you saw a native weta poo at auction?)

-Take 'would-be insults' as a compliment... Person: "Your gift is a piece if SH*T!"You:"Thanks buddy!"

-Legitimate turd (I witnessed the journey from weta body to dining room table)-100% Biodegradable.-Comes in FREE pink gift box!"

Thankfully, the seller didn't post a photo of the actual poo.
And at last check, this, erm, unique gift, was going at the unbeatable price of NZ$11.50.

Maybe perfume and bath gel isn't such a bad option after all!